Sometimes when I, as a person with depression, share with neurotypical people, they immediately begin comparing their experiences to mine. Little do they know that these comparisons belittle my experience, as if saying “it’s not that bad. All you need to do is cheer up!” It’s excruciating, and that’s what prompted me to record these thoughts this morning. My four minute rant is here:
When people ask me how I’m doing, I make a conscious choice to be honest. I don’t fall back on the easy answers like “fine” or “great.” But this truthfulness, while authentic, often leads to an uncomfortable situation I’ve observed time and time again. Instead of receiving understanding or empathy, I frequently encounter responses where people try to draw parallels between my experiences and their own struggles.
Let me be clear: when I share how I’m feeling, I’m not trying to engage in some kind of competition about who can “tough it out” more. It’s particularly frustrating when these comparative responses implicitly suggest that my struggles aren’t significant enough to warrant concern, or that I should simply “get over it.” I encounter this dismissive attitude frequently, and I’m really sick of it.
The thing about mental health struggles is that they’re deeply personal. Each of us is essentially our own “biological chemistry set,” with unique biochemistry that shapes how we process and experience life events. This individuality means that even shared experiences can be fundamentally different for each person involved. When someone is walking beside me through the exact same situation, their experience will still be different from mine because we are different people.
What makes these comparative responses so problematic is that they completely miss the point. When I’m sharing my struggles with depression, I’m not trying to establish a hierarchy of suffering or prove my resilience. I’m simply expressing my current reality, usually because someone asked me directly about my well being.
I want to be clear: I’m not suggesting that depression is inherently more challenging than other life difficulties. That’s not my point at all. What I’m saying is that each person’s experiences are unique and valid on their own terms. The practice of comparing hardships serves no constructive purpose and can actually be harmful to someone who is already struggling with depression.
This has become such a pet peeve for me, especially as someone dealing with depression. I’m not asking for special treatment or claiming superior suffering; I’m simply requesting that my experiences be heard and acknowledged without being immediately compared to someone else’s challenges. Don’t look at me with that “how about that?” expression when I’m honest about how I’m feeling.
What we need when sharing our struggles with depression isn’t a comparison or a reminder that others also face difficulties. We need simple acknowledgment and validation of our experience. The most supportive response is often just listening without trying to draw parallels to your own experiences, recognizing that each person’s journey with mental health is uniquely their own.
I recorded this because I need to get it off my chest. It’s not about proving who has it worse, or who can handle more. It’s about being able to share honestly when someone asks how we’re doing, without having our experiences immediately compared or dismissed. Because when you’re feeling like shit, the last thing you need is someone telling you, directly or indirectly, that your feelings aren’t valid enough to stand on their own.